Sunday, September 18, 2011

Qui-Gon Jinn; Worst. Jedi. Ever.

Okay, I know I'm twelve years late but I'm gonna take a stab at this anyway.

With the newly released Star Wars boxed set on blu-ray let us go back in time to 1999 and take a look at Star Wars Episode One: the Phantom Menace. Now, while there are a million things to take shots at in this awful, awful film we shall overlook (for now) some of the more obvious horribleness contained within; let's just bypass the awful writing ("I have a bad feeling about this." "Yippee!"), the thinly veiled racist stereotypes disguised as alien traits, the terrible acting by some of the cast, the stupid, stupid design for many of the non-human creatures (look at those things, c'mon Lucas, have you ever objectively looked at these creatures in the context of possible evolutionary paths? What possible purpose could that three foot neck on that one blue, pin-headed Jedi serve?), the introduction of midi-chloreans (wtf?), the ridiculous $200 million dollar budget that was blown on... I can't even imagine where that much money went... (cocaine for the writers, most probably), the ridiculous names (Naboo? Nute Gunray?) and let us overlook the most wretched abortion to hit film since the days of black-face; Jar-Jar Binks, let us focus squarely on the inept and clueless "master" Jedi; Qui-Gon Jinn.

Oh, Qui-Gon Jinn, what is YOUR midi-chlorean count? This master Jedi fails at the Force in so many ways it makes you wonder if he's just some galactic hippy that got picked up by Yoda in some amphetamine fueled search to meet his Jedi initiate quota before the Force-year ran out.

At the beginning of Star Wars Episode One: the Phantom Menace (again; nice work on naming, George, because the premise of the movie [unceasing boredom and mental irritation] is very nicely summed up in this rather inane title) Qui-Gon Jinn and his Jedi padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi are sent as ambassadors to a Federation blockade above the planet Naboo. Qui-Gon, in his infinite wisdom and force in-tune-ness manages to not sense any imminent danger, fails to protect the innocent people on the ship that brought him and his apprentice to the blockade, nor does he ever manage to apprehend or confront any of the villainous Neimoidians. Qui-Gon does manage to off a few droids, but, later on, that wretched amphibian--Jar-Jar Binks, manages to do the same (by complete and utter mistake), not to mention that the droids are about as easy to mow down as blades of grass and are generally pretty good at offing themselves anyway.

Later on, on the desert planet Tatooine, Qui-Gon seemingly fails to realize, even with the Force at his disposal, that handmaiden Padmé is actually the Naboo's elected Queen Amidala (somehow the Naboo have figured out how to elect their monarchs) which is pretty obvious to those of us without supernatural powers. Qui-Gon also needs to get a blood sample to determine that Anakin Skywalker has Jedi potential, seems to notice nothing (again he supposedly has mastery over the Force) about Anakin's pod being sabotaged before the big (and very, very boring) pod race, and is exhausted after a few seconds of lightsaber-play with the rather lame and personality-free villain Darth Maul.

Qui-Gon never figures out that Senator Palpatine is in fact an evil Sith lord and falls in combat with his only non-droid opponent; Darth Maul, whom Obi-Wan manages to handily cut in half with his own force power, like the ability to mentally move stuff around and jump really high.

The only effective Jedi'ing that Qui-Gon manages to pull off in the entire movie is pulling one over on the fat and stupid (as all Gungans seem to be) Boss Nass, and influencing the roll of a die. Nice going Qui-Gon, THAT should teach those naughty Sith a thing or two! 

So, yeah, while I respect Liam Neeson as an actor, and unless there is some kind of meta-overture that I'm not getting (I did, after all, give up on Star Wars after the profound disappointment I felt after watching the Phantom Menace back in 1999), Qui-Gon Jinn is pretty much the most pathetic and stupid Jedi to ever wield a lightsaber.

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